have been married for two years and have not worked since I got married. I thought I would enjoy the “tennis life,”
but I am bored and find my husband, “the breadwinner,” to be very controlling
with the “bread.” He decides everything
from movies to groceries to investments. What do I do about my anger and resentment? How do I change the life he thought I agreed
have identified two important issues. One is your boredom and apparent need to add interest to your personal
and professional life. The other issue
relates to your husband and your “rules” about money management.
many couples in our society, money equals power. Since work outside the home typically pays
better, the spouse at home usually has less money and often feels less power
about decisions requiring money. Of
course, it does not have to be this way nor is this the best arrangement. Healthy relationships are based on mutual
respect and a balance of power. The one-up-one-down
relationship fosters resentment and blocks intimacy.
encourage you to discuss your feelings with your husband and propose what you
would like to see happen regarding decision-making. Try to get clear in your own mind what you
want first. It may be joint
decision-making, alternating who makes the decision (such as this week you
decide the movie, restaurant, etc., and next week he decides) or dividing up
areas of primary responsibility.
is clear, however, that after two years the “rules” (written or unwritten) of
your relationship need to be reviewed. This is actually a very positive step. Many people so not realize that relationship rules and expectations
should and do change over time. A
relationship review and personal inventory can be a productive and healthy way
to start the next year for most people.