Lies in Marriage
Q: My husband lies to me so
much I think he has a real problem. He
is always saying he did something, like mail my letter when he didn’t, or
saying that he will be home by 5 p.m. and he shows up at 6 or 7. These are not big lies, but they frustrate me
and get me so angry I can hardly stand it. What can I do?
A: One of the questions that might be useful to ask yourself is how you do
handle your husband’s telling you the truth? For instance, what if he said he had not mailed your letter? How would you take it if he said he would be
home at 6 or 7, when he was finished with his work?
you feel you would have trouble hearing these answers, then you may have solved
a major part of the puzzle. A
relationship is a system. One partner influences
the behavior of the other. Not knowing
your situation specifically, it is difficult to know how you and your husband
might be colluding in the dishonesty.
if you and your husband are like most couples, there probably is some of this
taking place. What I mean by your
colluding with your husband is this: If
you make it frightening or threatening for him to tell you the truth, if you
cannot accept a straight-out “no,” then you are, in your own way, contributing
to his dishonesty.
you make it safer for him to level with you, it is hoped that you will find him
more open to telling you what he really feels or wants in a straightforward
manner. One of the hardest things for
most of us is to learn to ask for what we want. Often the unrealistic expectation is that if we ask the other for what
we want, he/she will appreciate our efforts and will automatically say
yes. This is a myth. The fact is when each of us is assertive
enough to ask for what we want we have a 50-50 chance of getting it. The other person can say yes or no. As simple as that sounds, it is often hard to
some thought to your willingness to hear the truth from your husband. If the truth means an inconvenience to you or
disagrees with your requests or wishes, you may have more power over
influencing his honesty with you than you thought.